I suck as a student

Hey blog. It's been a while isn't it?

I have been keeping busy with internal struggles and going through life, and also denying myself the chance of self-improvement by not writing at all (which gives me zero chance to self reflect).

Today I feel like I had just carved an irreversible dent in my personal history because of my overconfidence. I am basically Ironman but without the intelligent bit. Too overconfident for my own good and too proud to actually get help (not to mention broke).

So really, I'm more the stereotypical douche type in rom coms that's no good and need alot of fixing upping. Move over Kristoff, there's new contestant in town.

With my tendency to exaggerate things, I understand if you guys think I'm being 'over'; as Syedah said with an alarmed look. I'm totally not though.

While I was answering my test I kept thinking I don't have enough ass to pull answers out of; I'll need an army of asses to fill at least a half of my answer sheet.

I felt even more pathetic when I glanced at Syedah's answer sheet and actually saw legit points that we went through yesterday together on the floor of her room, with Yana and Eton. 

And when I walked out. Eton and her were discussing about the answers like they had already studied all night before, which they actually did.

Well, now I know how left out a deaf feels when being at a party.

The conclusion is, I suck as a student so much that I would probably suck at everything else either. But hey, my parents are obliged to love me right?

Cheers to that.

It's just a date

Today I have a date. It's with Adhwa, she arrived from Johor yesterday.

It was supposed to be fantastic. I have always been the 'screw it just do it' kind of person, but yesterday I really had the chance to think about it and how I want it to be.

We haven't met in years. She was supposed to be one of my best mates, definitely one of my longest, but I can't call her as the closest. Regardless I want to make this feel special somehow, something she would remember in the middle of lecture with a fond smile playing on her lips, and that's how I started freaking out all on my own.

It wasn't actually a date per se, well it is in the context there will only be two people spending time together doing fun things and talking about any random thing that would most probably involve her college life and relationship issues that is pretty much messed up right now; but I just feel like I owe her something.

We've known each other since we were in Standard Six together, talking about Daniel Radcliffe speaking in Malay in her dream while all of us are obsessing over Harry Potter. We drifted apart, sure, but I have always known I want to keep her around. Forever, if the universe has nothing against the idea.

I sound like a freaking sap but I've always been a sap and an idealistic dream hunting person that likes to run away from things when it gets to be too much for me, so yeah I know and I accept.

Anyways I am currently trying to justify feeling nervous as hell if I allow myself thinking about the possibility about this evening will just go about awkward and... anything worse.

I'm not rich. My parents are. So I can't really buy her things.

I thought about going with the typical movie routine on a normal date, and I have no qualms over that, but I have to rethink again. There is Zaheer.

My very sweet, very cute, very attached, and very two year old little brother that I have to fit in my schedule somehow. Sure I'm leaving him at home anyway but we're talking about how long here.

I was planning to iftar (Oh yeah it's entering the third week of Ramadhan) with Adhwa and going for a movie after. But what about terawih? What about mama? I mean.. I guess I can bring the little guy with me.. but should I? And there's the little fact that this is supposed to be a date.

But really Adhwa have a baby brother too, I can't remember his age but I know she's bound to be somewhat good with kids. But seriously, I can't just spring this on her! It would not be a date at all, but an episode of Super Nanny or something.

Seriously though, Zaheer is not much of a handful compared with other kids. Sure he's hyperactive, but his cuteness makes me actually want to coddle him and care for him and take care of him and sure it's annoying to my mobility and the range of it sometimes, but I love spending time with the little guy.

But that's just me. I'm his big sister, of course I feel the camaraderie and the power of our family bond. What about Adhwa? Frankly speaking, I don't really like taking care of things. I'm not thorough most of the times, clumsy as in I tripped over nothing, so socially-awkward even Barney the purple dinosaur's creepy-all -the-time-smile would be considered endearing (yeah this doesn't have any correlation or direct relation to the topic of discussion but), I am not a lady that can out down a glass quietly by extending my pinky first to soften the clank - trust me, it still clanked. I tried and had failed - , and I like to be taken care of. Not the other way round, no siree. So I guess Zaheer's complete adorableness complete with the fact that we came from the same exit and those dimples and those squinted eyes and those tiny hands and legs and funny scrabbling and cute ears and cute tufts of hair and cute everything, dammit just done it for me.

Like I'm so done. So gone, I know I tend to spoil people, but this is ridiculous. 

But that's just him. Yes, I can coddle him and baby talk him and play superman and be his personal horse, but that's cause he's my brother. If I hadn't made anything clear, HE IS SPECIAL!!

Capital letters. Exclamation marks. The whole persuasive sentence package deal. See the strength in my words?

So I have no idea if it's like that with Adhwa too. It would make much sense actually. I love him because he's kin. Because I know we will be stuck together forever and we will always need to lean on one another one way or another (One Direction just consumes me I swear).

I worry about other things too. I worry that turning up with balloons and a big sign saying 'Adhwa' would just make her feel awkward, embarrassed and uncomfortable. Some people dislike grand gestures. I love making people squirm, honestly it's like a fetish and it keeps me going, but only if they forgive me after.

I haven't seen her for so long I don't know what's acceptable and what's not. I don't want to unintentionally make her angry, because sometimes I do. I'm laid back but that doesn't mean other people are. Sometimes I laugh at inappropriate things, and pretend to blush because it is socially unacceptable for a girl to laugh at inappropriate things.

I can't even imagine how the conversation would be. It was easy enough on the phone, but seriously. Hearing other people's voice through a device cannot compare to talking face-to-face.

It would be like knowing someone new all over again. (One Direction just keeps worming into my mind don't they?) There would be social boundaries, eager-to-please-but-it's-so-fake-I-wanna-die grins, over the top enthusiastic greetings, the whole noble 'hey I'm normal so can I be your friend? Please say yes please say yes SAY YES' act. I might even pull out her chair for her.

The hell?

I closed my eyes and I wonder, maybe to wake up from this form of surrender

It's not like I've never thought about it before. Because really, I did, but not with this much intensity, and with half as much longing and mulling over this. I mean, I used to talk bout this to Syuyutsuri a while back, when we were still young and unsure about everything, even our places in this world - not saying we are as sure as ever now -, but I have never really considered the idea to be plausible. Not really.

Once in a while I will get this swooping feeling while talking bout it with Syuyutsuri, and I will grin and she will just grin back like I was taking the piss on her but she was never really sure because I myself never considered it to be a thing.

But I'm sure now.

It is a thing.

I want to travel the world.

Last night, I was washing the dishes. Yes, being very domestic and cat-like making my nest feel like my own and crap, when I thought of traveling. Like, really pondered over the thought. Played it a bit in my head.

It started off on the thought of  'I really enjoy traveling.' And then I thought how lucky those European and American kids are, having open-minded parents and the idea of just wasting time and money for a year doing nothing but just traveling the globe is actually socially acceptable. 

Then I thought I would love to do that someday. Like, traveling with my best friends. Humongous backpack on our backs, looking frazzled while looking at a map or other form. Pushing my best friend on the trolley and mucking around at the airport, or stopping a random local at a mall and pretending to be lost. Having to worry bout losing my passport when in fact it's just under the hotel bed, or getting cross over my best friend stealing my shampoo and feeling absolutely sure my toothbrush is being used by another person. Or even getting lost while jungle-trekking, and ended up washing up in a river we accidentally came across.

You know, like living like in an adventure book, feeling everything at once and not doing anything at the same time.

That would be nice.

Mentally I started planning. Maybe, I could take a year off university and go traveling. For the whole year. Like what Jack Harries did. I thought on my third year I could actually do that, not registering for any classes and just basically buy a plane ticket to England and find a dorm or something, and just settle down in another city next month.

Then I thought about money. I was actually planning on keeping this grand plan to myself. Hhaahahahahaa as if that would work. Because, pathetically, my parents still give me pocket money every month. I am in no way a financially independent person, seeing saying I am any type of independent person at all is just as bad a joke as reciting that Caesar salad joke. I'm not putting myself down or anything, but I've lived with myself for 19 years. 

Nearly 19 years.

I don't know where my willpower came from back in Form 5 when I need to study for my SPM, but I'm glad it at least appears when I'm in dire need of disciplining myself. But I don't really know how to fend for myself. I really wish I'm the entrepreneur kind, but I'm actually shy and have low self-esteem. So yes, I have alot of sort of business plans, but they're 'sort of' at best. 'Just no' at worst.

So I thought of drawing money, and I went 'ah that's easy, Because there's an atm anywhere in the world.' There's even drive-throughs in America right? And I can always figure out how to use traveling checks. If that don't happen, I'm going to prim myself up and marry a rich man and beg him to pay for my best mates' expenses.

But mama will get texts whenever I draw money. I'm not sure if there will be location information either, but that thought discouraged me a bit.

So delaying my 3rd year in uni is probably not one of my best ideas. Well then, maybe I can stay back in Jordan for one year after I graduate? I can buy a ticket to England there, live in London for a month, find a job as a mail-person or something, or I can apply a working visa by being a maid or something. Anything that works.

I thought to myself, that could actually work. Maybe. I really want to hop cities every month, seeing new places and knowing new people, and maybe make some friends along the way. I wouldn't mind getting in a jet-skiing minor accident, or learning the art of graffiti from a face-covered with hanky stranger, exchanging spray cans or something.

That would be really nice.

So maybe, I'm a little invested in the idea of seeing the world. Maybe I'm all set to make my own money and just taste the air of a different country, a different city, a different environment not just on my tongue, but on every surface of my skin.

I hope I won't be thirty when I finally act upon this.

I'm sick of people trying to save me while they're not saving themselves.

I wanna start being confused over other, much different things.

Like slipping into my favorite most worn clothes but finding out I've grown out of them

It was a rare moment for both of us. I found momma in the kitchen without kak Aty around, and I wasn't feeling like running away, so I didn't. Now that I think about it, maybe I just feel like that because I feel uncomfortable.

She asked for help from me, a little bit here and there so I tried to make myself helpful. But when Kak Aty came around from her little nap, she joked bout me being incompetent. She told her about how I plucked those leaves wrong, but she didn't specifically told me how I should pluck them you know?

And I finally came to the conclusion. She had replaced me. Somehow kak Aty had wormed her way into my family and had became the big sister. 

Momma order her around in the kitchen more than she did me, as if she didn't trust my judgement. The hell.. As if she's saying, "You can't do what she can." She didn't say it out loud, but she didn't need to.

I guess we found some common ground in that aspect. Try as I might, I just am not the the type to think ahead about every possibilities. To think about every little thing and cater to everyone's needs, and I guess I need to change that and change my attitude since I'm just being a lazy person and let everyone do the work.

I really think I'm a professional at avoiding things, even my own feelings. 

If there's trouble, I'm the first one to run away from the scene.

I don't know where to draw my courage from.

Ramblings if you may

I don't have time to ask myself things anymore. I'm too busy feeling in the moment, and wondering if I could refeel this feeling over and over again whenever I want to, but I know I don't have the ability since my normal memory is short-span enough as it is. No telling how permanent my sensory memory is.

But sometimes I fall in philosophicality. Sometimes I read things that lead me to think about things and long for things and I curse myself to have feelings about things I should just ignore to sail through life without a hitch because, really, that's all I ask from myself and this short life.

It used to be enough, to stay at home. Listen to my parents. Being compliant and emotionally shut off, and just do everything my parents told me to. I can't remember when I grew out of feeling all of that is enough. When I started thinking up retorts to whatever my old folks said, and I know that's wrong. Made me want to do it more I guess? When I stopped caring enough about my siblings to actually teach them during homework, not give away free answers like feeding leftover bread to fish in the pond. I used to actually care about other things aside from myself.

Hm the internet changed me. It's so stupid how stupid this sounds and desperate I know I should be. I bet if papa read this he will scoff at me and say in a matter-of-fact manner, "Then stop doing it." I know I'm just complicating things, but I am such a boring person that having another layer to my very straightforward personality couldn't hurt, could it?

When I went to Jordan, I was expecting nothing extraordinary. I was expecting a life of studying and being focused on graduating like a boss, even pictured myself with a crown an sceptre in hand. Who am I kidding? What's life without challenges?

I had the best first year of university I could asked for. I learnt to have fun and wander around. I met people. I learnt to be an adult (a very very VERY irresponsible and stupid one).

There's Poccoyo. She's small, that's why I called her that. She's pretty, and doesn't lack in male attention. I just wish as her friend she would stop being a typical female and stop stalking people on facebook, freak out over every little thing, act like she knows her heart when Mr Boxer keeps insisting on being a disgusting gentleman and never leaves her side, and start focusing in freaking class. Of course sharing inside jokes through glances when we're in classes together and ducking down to snicker not so secretly is welcomed, cause hell if I don't love the attention, but her grades just do not look good. But I like that she's completely different from me. Very clean, very caring, very motherly. I like to watch her work because it's amusing. Hahaha I don't know I'm just really fond of the girl and her petite frame and how she always orders people around. I listen to her because, well, she got me wrapped around her finger.

Miss bishoujo is also someone very important in my life. I really like her face. And she's just so adorable. I like the fact that she is a very touchy-feely person, cause I don't keep my hands to myself either. Once I watched a Malay movie with her and I just really enjoyed the company of another audience that is just as vocal as I am. She's a dang good listener, a dang good friend and I would have given her my entire fortune. And she have mean cooking skills so there. No one can't not love her, she's just too freaking adorable.

I can't forget Ron. I called her Ronald Weasley because she's a riot. She's not even that loud really. She's just really, really, REALLY funny. She's hilarious, her brand of sarcastic humor is really endearing. Her realistic approach to everything is kinda adorable. I just can't help being amused at her every movement. I'm gonna die from embarrassment if any one of these people find this post. Mostly she keeps to herself, which is really cool. I like how straightforward she is, because can I say MI COMPADRE? One fact about Ron: She's never afraid to or ashamed to ask for her money back. If you borrow something from her, she will remind you. I just find that side of her highly amusing.

Then there's Robin. She intrigued me for a while. Nah, more like confused me. and I don't like being confused. I hate it when I don't think I know that person, I guess. She was hard to figure out, cause she seemed so vague. Bur the longer I know her, I found out that's just who she is. Our little group is a rowdy bunch, and she's always the one laughing at our jokes. And I really admire how she always get things done. Like, I don't even know she was on that? And the next thing I know, BOOM she's sending documents and meeting people and having to go somewhere to finish something. The fact that she has a cute face and is very tall also adds to the 'please-help-me-or-I'm-gonna-pout' vibe.

There's lotsa people that I love and have came to known when I was in Jordan but that's for now.

Writing this post made me realize how lucky I am to know good people and led me to believe I have been so far lucky.