Twisted Relationship

It feels like forever until at last I got to open the computer and my fingers got to touch the bulging buttons that click away when we type on the keyboard. My brother had been sitting in front of the screen since dawn this day; and that annoys me a lot. Because I’m a very arrogant and egoistic sister you see; I like to bully my younger siblings around and don’t like to ask for permission from them. Ahaa ;P. Yes; I know myself more than anyone; and I’m ready to admit the reality that maybe a part of me don’t want to acknowledge.

But that’s not the only reason.

For those who know; I hate this particular sibling more than the rest. He had made a lot of mistakes in the past and I have found the heart to forgive and agree mutually in the past; but I remind all of you I’m not a forgetter. I am more the type that force myself to forgive because of a particular reason that maybe did or maybe did not benefit me.

Maybe the reason was; in the case of my brother; because he’s family and my parents have told and brain-washed me countless of times to stop arguing and fighting and bickering against each other; because family members should stick together through the good and bad times. When I was young I found out I can accept this theory of my mother and father.

But time passes.

I grew up. He grew up.

And growing means changing; whether it is by height, size, body shape, or attitude and yes; also the way of thinking. When I was twelve; he did something so overwhelming; I can’t forget. And I doubt that I’ve learned to forgive that incident.

I remembered looking at him in shock and horror; not knowing what to do. I have wailed then; but my mother took no heed and ignored me instead.

My father was hesitant; at that time I got a feeling that he was trying to change himself; the way he raise his five children and the way he treat his beloved family. He was trying to make this family thing work. Trying to make this family come together and hold on to each other.

I had pelted upstairs; crying in agony and humiliation and shame and confusion and anger and also a mixed of other emotions, and had slammed the door to my bedroom shut, and locked it. I had cried and cried and cried; and wailed and wailed and wailed for how long; I could not remember.

What I remembered though was the unbearable feeling of the pain in my heart. I was angry. I was angry. I realized that I was enraged. But I was confused. I did not know what to do. I hated my brother then.

And I really despise my parents for making the decision to just talk to him about that ghastly incident. They should punish him. I don’t care how; just make sure he learnt his lesson; **** it!

After that he did not did it publicly. But he did do it again and again. Again; again and again and again. Whenever I shouted for the world to know; especially for my mother to know; she thinks I was being a drama queen.

Oh; how I hated my mother then.

I did not have the guts to tell my father though; it was so embarrassing and humiliating and I felt it should only be between my mother and I. But my mother ignored me as usual; and I did not want my father to know. I still did not want my father to know about what happened after; that he did it again.

Yes; my father had made my brother apologize to me. Yes; I did feel a lot better and touched after he said he was sorry; but in truth his actions never did really size up to what his mouth said.

It’s not fair.

I really did not like being home and around my family then. I did not feel comfortable and safe around him; even with my parents around. I hated his presence; and was always glad when he was not around.

Heedless to say; that incident made a big impact in my life.

Through the years we have lived together under one house he did many other mistakes; causing shame to my family.

Don’t blame me for not trying to be a sister. I tried before. At that time I was going through this major change in life we all did while we’re all twelve year-olds; and I was trying to shape myself to becoming a better person. So I said to myself that he’s confused and deranged and to be there for him; as a sister, because maybe he needed one; to tell things to and just keep his head level.

But he just wouldn’t change.

He keep doing stupid things in school and bringing trouble to the family. I did not know how to react; even how to think and feel. I didn’t even bother to pretend that I was disturbed by his actions. I guess at that time I was still little and naïve.

Ahaa ;P

Imagine me naïve!

So; he was also so arrogant and egoistical. I’d like to think I was better than him; but in truth we’re just the same.

It was the holidays; and as I have tuition classes during weekdays, he had the computer all to himself. Today; like usual; he dominated in front of the screen. I want to use it; but as I said before; I didn’t like him. Finally my brother was pried off the computer by my mother; but then that leave another problem; the consent of my parents.

This year; the year 2009; is an important and major year for 15 year-olds here in Malaysia. It marked the PMR examination year for us. This examination may determine where we will go next. For if we do good in PMR; then there’s a high chance of being accepted in to good and acclaimed boarding schools; alas having a planned out and throughout bright future with a promising career through good education.

But what if we flunked this examination??? We wouldn’t drop dead suddenly, of that I’m sure; but maybe we will be doomed by misconception about us being stupid and lazy by all around us; our parents especially.

And lately I was being stupid and lazy.

I am sure my parents would not allow me to sit in front of the screen of this computer; so I waited for my chance.

While daydreaming I fell into a dreamless sleep; and was woken up by my mother whom sarcastically remarks about me not studying. I wasn’t in the mood to smile and laughed away goofily; so I just pretended to do not hear and ask her why she woke me up. It turns out the reason was to remind me to do the Asar Prayer. She also said to me that she was going to the bazaar Ramadhan for buka puasa.

So I got up; already feeling better for I was thinking at last; this is my chance! Then; hoping that he was still sleeping; I went into my parents’ bedroom. My heart leapt to my throat in panic. He was awake; and was watching television.

I took the sejadah and the telekung also and went to my room; and start the prayer. I had took the wudhu’ before then. Wudhu’ is something we Muslims need to do before doing any type of prayer; and also before touching the Quran. But Quran with translations could be touched even without the wudhu’.

After finishing the prayer; I stepped out; readying myself to see my brother sitting on the black swiveling chair in front of the computer. But I was quite taken aback when I found out; seconds later, that he was still in my parents’ room when I entered to place the sejadah and telekung back in the drawer.

But I was glad nevertheless; and that is how I got to use the computer today. The end.