How Dreams Are Like When They're Abandoned

How dreams are like when they’re abandoned

My one sole dream all of these years is to go to Japan. Yes;; that is the one country that I got really excited about;; no thanks to the vast exposure of animations coming from the Land Of The Rising Sun I got in an early age.

I remembered the series I was ga-ga over;; like Sailormoon. That series is legendary in the world of animation;; it’s very classic. It’s like animation world’s Chanel;; an elegant line that never fails to pull in customers and remain relevant throughout decades (or maybe centuries??? Not sure).

There was also The Three Knights Reyearth. That was how I came to know and love CLAMP’s works. No;; the first ever animation I fall in love with is Cardcaptor Sakura. Any otaku would know that title. It’s also a classic;; a major hit in the past. That was also CLAMP’s ;; but I didn’t know it then. I first heard the name CLAMP when I was 8 years old;; watching Magic Knights Reyearth on tv;; glued to the spot.

I’d even lied of having finished my homework so that I can watch the series. In the end though;; my mom found out and I was forced to finish my homework and missed the animation anyway. I was crying profusely when I was writing down the works in the exercise book.

When I’ve grown up to 11;; I found the Starz magazine in a roadside stall. I still remember vividly;; at the time the cover was of a Ghost In The Shell drawing. It looks so surreal;; so lifeless and glum;; yet the eyes.

The eyes are very captivating.

They burned into you;; they can see past through your façade and into your head;; reading your thoughts. The eyes that seem to make holes into your chest.

I could still feel faintly the excitement I felt at the time. The thumping of the heart;; the fast breathing. I was near ecstasy.

It was because at the time I was still naïve and didn’t know any other magazines yet that appealed to me that much. Starz was my first;; and the first issue I got was the most memorable.

After some begging;; I got my mom to buy it for me. That was my first ever entertainment magazine.

I have been drawing since forever;; I can’t remember when. But I have a strong feeling that I started around the time I was in love with Magic Knights Reyearth;; because I remember grabbing my drawing of the pretty red-haired Hikaru away from a peer that sneaks into my room and decided to laugh at my drawings;; oh these kind of things are hard to forget;; even when you really want to.

Anyway;; my drawings suck BIG TIME in the beginning. Seriously;; really really ugly. Then again;; what do you expect froma socially challenged kid who doesn’t have the courage to show her drawings to anyone else other than me;; myself and I?

Ahaa ;P

But in the past;; I am the kind of person that’s really passionate. I don’t really judge my artworks;; I just love doing it you know? And now;; well;; I’m not sure whether I have that kind of spirit anymore;; but drawing is in my blood! I can say that;; because whenever I’m blue;; I’ll always draw. It’s like a from of cheap escapism;; and no one knows and take notice. It gives me a chance to have a dialogue with myself. And I’m not afraid to admit that I’m very much a dreamer;; even till today.

So I just continue with drawing;; even making myself to believe that mine was the most beautiful in the world. (Now that took a lot of persuading. XD) If I didn’t believe that then;; I might have stopped drawing and might have forgot everything about Japan.

When I was 12;; I met Azza. She’s a sucker for adventure comics;; and she loves martial arts;; especially kung fu. She’s the one who introduced me to Chinese comics;; and make me kinda like them.

Her drawing style;; in many ways;; are influenced by Chinese comics. Chinese comics are very different from their Japanese counterparts;; the style’s really masculine. Japanese art form are always so delicate;; so detailed;; so breezy and have a lot of style;; not to mention that it have a certain elegance that belongs only to them.

Anyway;; her drawings are a mix between the two;; the lines uncertain but thick and strong;; the eyes very dreamy and glassy;; and the body posture’s a little awkward-looking. But her drawings’ have a certain charm to it;; they’re so creative. When you see her works;; there’s no rule.

She’s completely in her element just drawing and telling her story through those carefully thickened strokes and coordinated lines.

Her characters’ eyes are always sparkling and full of zest and appreciation for life;; not like mine. I like to draw the eyes simple;; and concentrates more on the details like the hair;; the creases in the clothes.

The results;; well;; you can see that my characters always look lifeless;; or;; if not;; angry and angsty.

^.^”

I finally perfected my drawing when I was in Form 2. Even this fact;; I’m not sure of. I think so laa.. Ahaa ;P

Entering Form 3;; that was a weird phase in my life. I don’t know why;; but I get his impression that everyone’s so good at everything! ):O It makes me uneasy.. I mean;; living in this world;; if you really wanna survive;; you’ll have to be really brilliant!

So I started on a journey of trying to prove something to myself;; by entering nearly everything. And 2009 was my lucky year. Well quite. I got a title in my club;; and enter the debate competition at my school. I stumbled;; I mumbled;; and I talk gibberish during my speech;; and thank God my tongue didn’t slip to swearing out of pure nervousness. Somehow;; SOMEHOW;; I passed the audition;; and the judge chose me as the most potential one in my team.

Oh yeah;; I forgot to mention;; the competition was a debate cum audition since;; they’re on the search for a new generation of debaters. And there’s a major competition coming up;; the International Debating Championship 2009 being held at International Islamic University located in Gombak.

I also got a few assignments;; I got a proposal to draw a page of comic for the holy month of Ramadhan. I keep postponing sending the thing;; since I’m quite reluctant and I’m not quite confident of how people will react. You know;; it’s nerve-wrecking! Then when the issue of the little booklet that the school published on a regular basis come out;; I was feeling so giddy and happy that I didn’t stop smiling for a couple of days..! Maybe a week even;; but don’t remember it now..

And I was also busy drawing for the school magazine.. A senior asked me to because at the time there was no single comic submitted to the school magazine committee;; so they’re beginning to get worried.. But they needn’t fret;; you know;; because you should read it!

There’s this one comic that’s really beautifully drawn and very professionally done. The only thing that tells the wondering readers of the identity of the artist is the caption:: “by KIRA” That really leave me fired up;; because his style is actually close to those of Akira Toriyama’s! :O

It really annoys me a whole lot.. Not knowing the real name of the genius behind that short;; two page manga.

The first half of the year;; I also wasted by just playing sports for my house.. (I mean like the Gryffindoor and Hufflepuff in the Harry Potter movies.. You know???)

And I got picked to represent the school in the Malaysian Schools Sports Championship;; in chess. I’m not really that good.. I got picked because I’m average and there’s no one to enter in the under 15 category;; cause all representatives before had became older and had moved into the under 18 category. Get it? Haahha..

So I kinda like stop drawing for a while..

Then school term’s over and suddenly I found myself having nothing to do. Or so I thought. Well;; fate had prepared otherwise.

For the months November and December;; I work as a salesgirl;; and for the first time in my life I got my own money. I feel good;; getting my own money and all.. And I learn a few lessons of life during the two month period;; too.

I also got more confident.. I’m less of a socially-challenged girl now;; I’m proud to state.

And now a new year had begun. 2010 had finally came;; the beginning of a new decade.

I had just drawn a little time ago. Only a few were finished;; others were left;; partially complete. Those made up the huge bundle of wasted papers sitting on my rack for God-knows-how-long. Yeah.

What’s this tugging inside my heart?