Really ugly blog layout.
Why the FREAK the image's not showing?!!!TT^TT
Why the FREAK the image's not showing?!!!TT^TT
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Boat Of Life
This boat is rowing
By itself
The oars
Are afar away;;
Unreachable
The waves;;
Sometimes calm
Sometimes high
Sometimes murky;; sinister
Sometimes crystal clear
The sun
Dutifully shines everyday
In the sky
The moon
Will come out
To flirt with
The stars
The wind
Is gentle and kind
But can be
Angry and rough
It would
Touch my skin
And whisper
In my ear
Sweep away
My fear
Everything
Is doing something
I was
Sitting inside the boat
The world
Is always
Moving;;
Changing;;
Doing something
I was
Sitting on the boat
Sitting on the boat
Just waiting
It’s my job
But can I do it well?
I keep wondering
Am I the right person?
And asking myself
Can I do this
My whole life?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
How Dreams Are Like When They're Abandoned
How dreams are like when they’re abandoned
My one sole dream all of these years is to go to Japan. Yes;; that is the one country that I got really excited about;; no thanks to the vast exposure of animations coming from the Land Of The Rising Sun I got in an early age.
I remembered the series I was ga-ga over;; like Sailormoon. That series is legendary in the world of animation;; it’s very classic. It’s like animation world’s Chanel;; an elegant line that never fails to pull in customers and remain relevant throughout decades (or maybe centuries??? Not sure).
There was also The Three Knights Reyearth. That was how I came to know and love CLAMP’s works. No;; the first ever animation I fall in love with is Cardcaptor Sakura. Any otaku would know that title. It’s also a classic;; a major hit in the past. That was also CLAMP’s ;; but I didn’t know it then. I first heard the name CLAMP when I was 8 years old;; watching Magic Knights Reyearth on tv;; glued to the spot.
I’d even lied of having finished my homework so that I can watch the series. In the end though;; my mom found out and I was forced to finish my homework and missed the animation anyway. I was crying profusely when I was writing down the works in the exercise book.
When I’ve grown up to 11;; I found the Starz magazine in a roadside stall. I still remember vividly;; at the time the cover was of a Ghost In The Shell drawing. It looks so surreal;; so lifeless and glum;; yet the eyes.
The eyes are very captivating.
They burned into you;; they can see past through your façade and into your head;; reading your thoughts. The eyes that seem to make holes into your chest.
I could still feel faintly the excitement I felt at the time. The thumping of the heart;; the fast breathing. I was near ecstasy.
It was because at the time I was still naïve and didn’t know any other magazines yet that appealed to me that much. Starz was my first;; and the first issue I got was the most memorable.
After some begging;; I got my mom to buy it for me. That was my first ever entertainment magazine.
I have been drawing since forever;; I can’t remember when. But I have a strong feeling that I started around the time I was in love with Magic Knights Reyearth;; because I remember grabbing my drawing of the pretty red-haired Hikaru away from a peer that sneaks into my room and decided to laugh at my drawings;; oh these kind of things are hard to forget;; even when you really want to.
Anyway;; my drawings suck BIG TIME in the beginning. Seriously;; really really ugly. Then again;; what do you expect froma socially challenged kid who doesn’t have the courage to show her drawings to anyone else other than me;; myself and I?
Ahaa ;P
But in the past;; I am the kind of person that’s really passionate. I don’t really judge my artworks;; I just love doing it you know? And now;; well;; I’m not sure whether I have that kind of spirit anymore;; but drawing is in my blood! I can say that;; because whenever I’m blue;; I’ll always draw. It’s like a from of cheap escapism;; and no one knows and take notice. It gives me a chance to have a dialogue with myself. And I’m not afraid to admit that I’m very much a dreamer;; even till today.
So I just continue with drawing;; even making myself to believe that mine was the most beautiful in the world. (Now that took a lot of persuading. XD) If I didn’t believe that then;; I might have stopped drawing and might have forgot everything about Japan.
When I was 12;; I met Azza. She’s a sucker for adventure comics;; and she loves martial arts;; especially kung fu. She’s the one who introduced me to Chinese comics;; and make me kinda like them.
Her drawing style;; in many ways;; are influenced by Chinese comics. Chinese comics are very different from their Japanese counterparts;; the style’s really masculine. Japanese art form are always so delicate;; so detailed;; so breezy and have a lot of style;; not to mention that it have a certain elegance that belongs only to them.
Anyway;; her drawings are a mix between the two;; the lines uncertain but thick and strong;; the eyes very dreamy and glassy;; and the body posture’s a little awkward-looking. But her drawings’ have a certain charm to it;; they’re so creative. When you see her works;; there’s no rule.
She’s completely in her element just drawing and telling her story through those carefully thickened strokes and coordinated lines.
Her characters’ eyes are always sparkling and full of zest and appreciation for life;; not like mine. I like to draw the eyes simple;; and concentrates more on the details like the hair;; the creases in the clothes.
The results;; well;; you can see that my characters always look lifeless;; or;; if not;; angry and angsty.
^.^”
I finally perfected my drawing when I was in Form 2. Even this fact;; I’m not sure of. I think so laa.. Ahaa ;P
Entering Form 3;; that was a weird phase in my life. I don’t know why;; but I get his impression that everyone’s so good at everything! ):O It makes me uneasy.. I mean;; living in this world;; if you really wanna survive;; you’ll have to be really brilliant!
So I started on a journey of trying to prove something to myself;; by entering nearly everything. And 2009 was my lucky year. Well quite. I got a title in my club;; and enter the debate competition at my school. I stumbled;; I mumbled;; and I talk gibberish during my speech;; and thank God my tongue didn’t slip to swearing out of pure nervousness. Somehow;; SOMEHOW;; I passed the audition;; and the judge chose me as the most potential one in my team.
Oh yeah;; I forgot to mention;; the competition was a debate cum audition since;; they’re on the search for a new generation of debaters. And there’s a major competition coming up;; the International Debating Championship 2009 being held at International Islamic University located in Gombak.
I also got a few assignments;; I got a proposal to draw a page of comic for the holy month of Ramadhan. I keep postponing sending the thing;; since I’m quite reluctant and I’m not quite confident of how people will react. You know;; it’s nerve-wrecking! Then when the issue of the little booklet that the school published on a regular basis come out;; I was feeling so giddy and happy that I didn’t stop smiling for a couple of days..! Maybe a week even;; but don’t remember it now..
And I was also busy drawing for the school magazine.. A senior asked me to because at the time there was no single comic submitted to the school magazine committee;; so they’re beginning to get worried.. But they needn’t fret;; you know;; because you should read it!
There’s this one comic that’s really beautifully drawn and very professionally done. The only thing that tells the wondering readers of the identity of the artist is the caption:: “by KIRA” That really leave me fired up;; because his style is actually close to those of Akira Toriyama’s! :O
It really annoys me a whole lot.. Not knowing the real name of the genius behind that short;; two page manga.
The first half of the year;; I also wasted by just playing sports for my house.. (I mean like the Gryffindoor and Hufflepuff in the Harry Potter movies.. You know???)
And I got picked to represent the school in the Malaysian Schools Sports Championship;; in chess. I’m not really that good.. I got picked because I’m average and there’s no one to enter in the under 15 category;; cause all representatives before had became older and had moved into the under 18 category. Get it? Haahha..
So I kinda like stop drawing for a while..
Then school term’s over and suddenly I found myself having nothing to do. Or so I thought. Well;; fate had prepared otherwise.
For the months November and December;; I work as a salesgirl;; and for the first time in my life I got my own money. I feel good;; getting my own money and all.. And I learn a few lessons of life during the two month period;; too.
I also got more confident.. I’m less of a socially-challenged girl now;; I’m proud to state.
And now a new year had begun. 2010 had finally came;; the beginning of a new decade.
I had just drawn a little time ago. Only a few were finished;; others were left;; partially complete. Those made up the huge bundle of wasted papers sitting on my rack for God-knows-how-long. Yeah.
What’s this tugging inside my heart?
My one sole dream all of these years is to go to Japan. Yes;; that is the one country that I got really excited about;; no thanks to the vast exposure of animations coming from the Land Of The Rising Sun I got in an early age.
I remembered the series I was ga-ga over;; like Sailormoon. That series is legendary in the world of animation;; it’s very classic. It’s like animation world’s Chanel;; an elegant line that never fails to pull in customers and remain relevant throughout decades (or maybe centuries??? Not sure).
There was also The Three Knights Reyearth. That was how I came to know and love CLAMP’s works. No;; the first ever animation I fall in love with is Cardcaptor Sakura. Any otaku would know that title. It’s also a classic;; a major hit in the past. That was also CLAMP’s ;; but I didn’t know it then. I first heard the name CLAMP when I was 8 years old;; watching Magic Knights Reyearth on tv;; glued to the spot.
I’d even lied of having finished my homework so that I can watch the series. In the end though;; my mom found out and I was forced to finish my homework and missed the animation anyway. I was crying profusely when I was writing down the works in the exercise book.
When I’ve grown up to 11;; I found the Starz magazine in a roadside stall. I still remember vividly;; at the time the cover was of a Ghost In The Shell drawing. It looks so surreal;; so lifeless and glum;; yet the eyes.
The eyes are very captivating.
They burned into you;; they can see past through your façade and into your head;; reading your thoughts. The eyes that seem to make holes into your chest.
I could still feel faintly the excitement I felt at the time. The thumping of the heart;; the fast breathing. I was near ecstasy.
It was because at the time I was still naïve and didn’t know any other magazines yet that appealed to me that much. Starz was my first;; and the first issue I got was the most memorable.
After some begging;; I got my mom to buy it for me. That was my first ever entertainment magazine.
I have been drawing since forever;; I can’t remember when. But I have a strong feeling that I started around the time I was in love with Magic Knights Reyearth;; because I remember grabbing my drawing of the pretty red-haired Hikaru away from a peer that sneaks into my room and decided to laugh at my drawings;; oh these kind of things are hard to forget;; even when you really want to.
Anyway;; my drawings suck BIG TIME in the beginning. Seriously;; really really ugly. Then again;; what do you expect froma socially challenged kid who doesn’t have the courage to show her drawings to anyone else other than me;; myself and I?
Ahaa ;P
But in the past;; I am the kind of person that’s really passionate. I don’t really judge my artworks;; I just love doing it you know? And now;; well;; I’m not sure whether I have that kind of spirit anymore;; but drawing is in my blood! I can say that;; because whenever I’m blue;; I’ll always draw. It’s like a from of cheap escapism;; and no one knows and take notice. It gives me a chance to have a dialogue with myself. And I’m not afraid to admit that I’m very much a dreamer;; even till today.
So I just continue with drawing;; even making myself to believe that mine was the most beautiful in the world. (Now that took a lot of persuading. XD) If I didn’t believe that then;; I might have stopped drawing and might have forgot everything about Japan.
When I was 12;; I met Azza. She’s a sucker for adventure comics;; and she loves martial arts;; especially kung fu. She’s the one who introduced me to Chinese comics;; and make me kinda like them.
Her drawing style;; in many ways;; are influenced by Chinese comics. Chinese comics are very different from their Japanese counterparts;; the style’s really masculine. Japanese art form are always so delicate;; so detailed;; so breezy and have a lot of style;; not to mention that it have a certain elegance that belongs only to them.
Anyway;; her drawings are a mix between the two;; the lines uncertain but thick and strong;; the eyes very dreamy and glassy;; and the body posture’s a little awkward-looking. But her drawings’ have a certain charm to it;; they’re so creative. When you see her works;; there’s no rule.
She’s completely in her element just drawing and telling her story through those carefully thickened strokes and coordinated lines.
Her characters’ eyes are always sparkling and full of zest and appreciation for life;; not like mine. I like to draw the eyes simple;; and concentrates more on the details like the hair;; the creases in the clothes.
The results;; well;; you can see that my characters always look lifeless;; or;; if not;; angry and angsty.
^.^”
I finally perfected my drawing when I was in Form 2. Even this fact;; I’m not sure of. I think so laa.. Ahaa ;P
Entering Form 3;; that was a weird phase in my life. I don’t know why;; but I get his impression that everyone’s so good at everything! ):O It makes me uneasy.. I mean;; living in this world;; if you really wanna survive;; you’ll have to be really brilliant!
So I started on a journey of trying to prove something to myself;; by entering nearly everything. And 2009 was my lucky year. Well quite. I got a title in my club;; and enter the debate competition at my school. I stumbled;; I mumbled;; and I talk gibberish during my speech;; and thank God my tongue didn’t slip to swearing out of pure nervousness. Somehow;; SOMEHOW;; I passed the audition;; and the judge chose me as the most potential one in my team.
Oh yeah;; I forgot to mention;; the competition was a debate cum audition since;; they’re on the search for a new generation of debaters. And there’s a major competition coming up;; the International Debating Championship 2009 being held at International Islamic University located in Gombak.
I also got a few assignments;; I got a proposal to draw a page of comic for the holy month of Ramadhan. I keep postponing sending the thing;; since I’m quite reluctant and I’m not quite confident of how people will react. You know;; it’s nerve-wrecking! Then when the issue of the little booklet that the school published on a regular basis come out;; I was feeling so giddy and happy that I didn’t stop smiling for a couple of days..! Maybe a week even;; but don’t remember it now..
And I was also busy drawing for the school magazine.. A senior asked me to because at the time there was no single comic submitted to the school magazine committee;; so they’re beginning to get worried.. But they needn’t fret;; you know;; because you should read it!
There’s this one comic that’s really beautifully drawn and very professionally done. The only thing that tells the wondering readers of the identity of the artist is the caption:: “by KIRA” That really leave me fired up;; because his style is actually close to those of Akira Toriyama’s! :O
It really annoys me a whole lot.. Not knowing the real name of the genius behind that short;; two page manga.
The first half of the year;; I also wasted by just playing sports for my house.. (I mean like the Gryffindoor and Hufflepuff in the Harry Potter movies.. You know???)
And I got picked to represent the school in the Malaysian Schools Sports Championship;; in chess. I’m not really that good.. I got picked because I’m average and there’s no one to enter in the under 15 category;; cause all representatives before had became older and had moved into the under 18 category. Get it? Haahha..
So I kinda like stop drawing for a while..
Then school term’s over and suddenly I found myself having nothing to do. Or so I thought. Well;; fate had prepared otherwise.
For the months November and December;; I work as a salesgirl;; and for the first time in my life I got my own money. I feel good;; getting my own money and all.. And I learn a few lessons of life during the two month period;; too.
I also got more confident.. I’m less of a socially-challenged girl now;; I’m proud to state.
And now a new year had begun. 2010 had finally came;; the beginning of a new decade.
I had just drawn a little time ago. Only a few were finished;; others were left;; partially complete. Those made up the huge bundle of wasted papers sitting on my rack for God-knows-how-long. Yeah.
What’s this tugging inside my heart?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Chickening Out
I'm so totally not gonna go to school tomorrow.
SO
TO
TA
LLY
NOT
GO
ING
TO
S
CHOOL
TO
MO
RROW ..!!!!
TT_TT
I think Mscreator is possibly waiting for me in front of the school gate;; an axe in her hand ..! O_O""
Woah~~!! That is scaryy~~!!
Anyway;; that's not even half the reason ..
...
Actually I'm feeling really embarrassed to see her face;; I've made her wait long enough .. Really long actually ..
Nearly for an hour actually ..
That's long like heck;; and I know she's kinda hesitant to forgive me ..
Furthermore;; Xfloze suddenly called and canceled it .. TT_TT
That's just more reason for me not to go to school tomorrow;; I think I couldn't stand the embarassment ..!
SO
TO
TA
LLY
NOT
GO
ING
TO
S
CHOOL
TO
MO
RROW ..!!!!
TT_TT
I think Mscreator is possibly waiting for me in front of the school gate;; an axe in her hand ..! O_O""
Woah~~!! That is scaryy~~!!
Anyway;; that's not even half the reason ..
...
Actually I'm feeling really embarrassed to see her face;; I've made her wait long enough .. Really long actually ..
Nearly for an hour actually ..
That's long like heck;; and I know she's kinda hesitant to forgive me ..
Furthermore;; Xfloze suddenly called and canceled it .. TT_TT
That's just more reason for me not to go to school tomorrow;; I think I couldn't stand the embarassment ..!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Survival Instinct
My house right now is like a jungle;; full of potential foods but not really edible ones. There was actually nothing to cook;; there was only rice under the sink in that large red thingy. I don't klnow what to call it;; as it;; turthfully;; looks like a bin to me.
But that would make it sound disgusting. But it's clean;; really clean!! There's no rats or rodents at our house;; so they don't eat from the red bin. So;; you better say that I'm normal.I mean;; I am;; anyway. I needn't your yes to convince myself that I'm as normal as any person!
Anyway;; I got swept away by emotion there;; ahaa ;P. So;; really;; the purpose of this post is to tell about the Situation at my house.
I felt like I was living in a war camp;; with little food and lots off water;; because the war camp was located near a river.
No;; I didn't drink urine water at the imaginary war camp;; I drink from the river.
And yes;; I make sure that no one was peeing into it before I scooped with a dish to boil it on the fire.
Yes;; I boiled my water because I'm a NORMAL;; CLEAN person.
Okay;; got swept by emotion again. Let's start.
So;; I drink warm water at the war camp. The place was actually very comfortable;; we're placed near a shady clump of birch trees. The weather was hot;; but yesterday it rained;; but even when it does not rain there's always the breeze that's available here the year throghout.
The War was raging around me;; I have already spent three days fighting like heck. It was a mind-numbing experience;; having to fight in the War. My family didn't really help me;; except my parents whom give me a wise word or two. Other than that I'm on my own.
Oh;; yeah;; the Situation. Inside the bag of supplies inside our tent;; there's nothing much;; just chocolates and stale bread. Oh;; and also a large bag of uncooked rice that could supply us for a month.
The War was nearly at it's end;; we don't really need that much rice. I predict it to end by this Tuesday;; which is next week. But I also foresee a battle of wits of sorts coming after the War... Yes;; I can predict the future!
Also;; this past few weeks or so didn't see us catching any fish from the river. Our fresh-food-less state got me thinking. It made me realize how much I love fish. Seriously.
My mom doesn't even cook anymore. She kept begging my dad to eat out. And we eat out alot.
Anyway;; when I woke up this morning;; my stomach yearned for food. I go to the bag of food supplies and looked dully inside it. Nothing much;; really. There's only the said untempting food lying inside.
Finally I reached my hand into the fridge and took the chocolate. I will admit;; I'm quite a chocaholic;; but I didn't want to live on chocolate!! As a true asian;; I can't stand a week without eating rice;; at all. It would surely feel weird!
So;; my breakfast today was a lump of 'XXXX's cooking chocolate' (I liked the taste;; different from those wrapped inside aluminium foils and pretty wrappings. But I ate it just for a change;; not that I prefer it over those pretty-priced chocolates.)
Soooo;; the challenge today I guess is;; can I survive on eating chocolate and drinking warm water ONLY for a whole week??? I would like to try ...
I think I'll start today. I am sure that I will feel tortured before long.
Ahaa ;P
But that would make it sound disgusting. But it's clean;; really clean!! There's no rats or rodents at our house;; so they don't eat from the red bin. So;; you better say that I'm normal.I mean;; I am;; anyway. I needn't your yes to convince myself that I'm as normal as any person!
Anyway;; I got swept away by emotion there;; ahaa ;P. So;; really;; the purpose of this post is to tell about the Situation at my house.
I felt like I was living in a war camp;; with little food and lots off water;; because the war camp was located near a river.
No;; I didn't drink urine water at the imaginary war camp;; I drink from the river.
And yes;; I make sure that no one was peeing into it before I scooped with a dish to boil it on the fire.
Yes;; I boiled my water because I'm a NORMAL;; CLEAN person.
Okay;; got swept by emotion again. Let's start.
So;; I drink warm water at the war camp. The place was actually very comfortable;; we're placed near a shady clump of birch trees. The weather was hot;; but yesterday it rained;; but even when it does not rain there's always the breeze that's available here the year throghout.
The War was raging around me;; I have already spent three days fighting like heck. It was a mind-numbing experience;; having to fight in the War. My family didn't really help me;; except my parents whom give me a wise word or two. Other than that I'm on my own.
Oh;; yeah;; the Situation. Inside the bag of supplies inside our tent;; there's nothing much;; just chocolates and stale bread. Oh;; and also a large bag of uncooked rice that could supply us for a month.
The War was nearly at it's end;; we don't really need that much rice. I predict it to end by this Tuesday;; which is next week. But I also foresee a battle of wits of sorts coming after the War... Yes;; I can predict the future!
Also;; this past few weeks or so didn't see us catching any fish from the river. Our fresh-food-less state got me thinking. It made me realize how much I love fish. Seriously.
My mom doesn't even cook anymore. She kept begging my dad to eat out. And we eat out alot.
Anyway;; when I woke up this morning;; my stomach yearned for food. I go to the bag of food supplies and looked dully inside it. Nothing much;; really. There's only the said untempting food lying inside.
Finally I reached my hand into the fridge and took the chocolate. I will admit;; I'm quite a chocaholic;; but I didn't want to live on chocolate!! As a true asian;; I can't stand a week without eating rice;; at all. It would surely feel weird!
So;; my breakfast today was a lump of 'XXXX's cooking chocolate' (I liked the taste;; different from those wrapped inside aluminium foils and pretty wrappings. But I ate it just for a change;; not that I prefer it over those pretty-priced chocolates.)
Soooo;; the challenge today I guess is;; can I survive on eating chocolate and drinking warm water ONLY for a whole week??? I would like to try ...
I think I'll start today. I am sure that I will feel tortured before long.
Ahaa ;P
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sometimes I Despise Wikipedia
Know why???
Why don't you search the name Jibril Alaihissalam in the search thingy???!
The result was really too much for me to take!!
Just imagine;; suddenly Jibril's beautiful name became Gabriel??!! You ask me what's wrong with that???
That's unnecessary westernization that was intended to get Muslims mixed up!!
And you know why I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo pissed?!!!!!
X(((((((((((((((((((((((((
Let me;; ladies and gentlemen;; TELL YOU WHY!
It's because;; in Wikipedia;; Jibril suddenly got everything to do with the bible and little to do with the Quran?! That's soooooooooooooooooo totally the worst kind of notoriousity~!!!! I'm really mad here!!
Anyway;; see for yourself!! If you're a MUSLIM too;; wherever in the world you are;; you'd be as mad as I am.
Here's the link;; made up your mind and tell me all of your opinions;; I soooooooooooooooooooooooooo need backup!! I know I can count on you guys.
Gabriel;; not!! It's Jibril Alaihissalam!!!
And don't mind the pictures;; THEY'RE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT REAL!!!
Why don't you search the name Jibril Alaihissalam in the search thingy???!
The result was really too much for me to take!!
Just imagine;; suddenly Jibril's beautiful name became Gabriel??!! You ask me what's wrong with that???
That's unnecessary westernization that was intended to get Muslims mixed up!!
And you know why I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo pissed?!!!!!
X(((((((((((((((((((((((((
Let me;; ladies and gentlemen;; TELL YOU WHY!
It's because;; in Wikipedia;; Jibril suddenly got everything to do with the bible and little to do with the Quran?! That's soooooooooooooooooo totally the worst kind of notoriousity~!!!! I'm really mad here!!
Anyway;; see for yourself!! If you're a MUSLIM too;; wherever in the world you are;; you'd be as mad as I am.
Here's the link;; made up your mind and tell me all of your opinions;; I soooooooooooooooooooooooooo need backup!! I know I can count on you guys.
Gabriel;; not!! It's Jibril Alaihissalam!!!
And don't mind the pictures;; THEY'RE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT REAL!!!
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